On March 9, 2018, I hopped on a one-way flight to South Africa. A year and a day later, on March 10, 2019, I hopped on another one-way flight to India. Leading up to my departure, I had A LOT of anxiety. I was not looking forward to it. I was scared, fearful, anxious, and dreading having to leave again.
A few reasons why I was so anxious this time…
- I had absolutely no desire to go to India. The only reason why I chose India was because I wanted to experience the Holi Festival. I was not excited to start traveling because India was so unappealing to me.
- I got way too comfortable being at home. I spent 9 months home (unplanned) and I very much enjoyed the routine and comfort of living at home.
- Traveling wasn’t as exciting as the first time. Last year when I started my travel journey, I had no expectations. I was excited and had no idea what to expect!
- I knew what I was getting myself into – I knew it was going to be exhausting, lonely, and challenging. I was dreading the challenge and the down sides to traveling.
- Grew even closer to my family. I am already very close to my family and hate being away from them. Since I was living back at home and was constantly around them and my niece, it was really hard for me to say goodbye to them again.
Although I was dreading traveling again, the only thing pushing me to continue to travel was because I really wanted to work on myself. I wanted to figure myself out. Uncover all the bullshit that I’ve been experiencing and truly “find myself”.
Fast forward 4 weeks later…
I’m currently in Kathmandu, Nepal sitting at La Bella Cafe writing this long overdue post. The first 3 weeks of my journey was amazing. It was full of adventure, beautiful sights, and some bonding with some amazing individuals. After all the friends I made were gone, I was left with just myself.
The day after majority of the people left, I woke up in my private room, alone, sad, and confused. I wasn’t sure why I was crying and where these emotions were coming from. It was so hard for me to adjust from being surrounded by SO many people 24/7 and having someone tell me what to do to then being by myself and having to make all my own decisions.
It was also hard for me to accept that my journey was about to change. It made me remember all my past feelings from traveling last year. Traveling can be exhausting. It’s hard work and it’s draining. You’re always researching where to go, where to stay, what to do, how to get there, etc. You’re always meeting new people at hostels and then the next day they leave. You’re always in an unfamiliar place and having to be quick on your feet. I wasn’t excited for any of that.
As I sat in my room, I couldn’t stop crying. Where were these emotions coming from? I realized a big reason why I was crying was because I missed my guide. I developed feelings for him, and I missed him. But then I started digging deeper… did I really like him or did I just like the thought of him? I didn’t know anything about him, nor did he know anything about me. We made each other laugh and that was about it. As I dug deeper and deeper, I uncovered that the only reason why I liked him was because he was so unattainable. He will have to have an arranged marriage and will not get to date before. I liked the idea of the challenge and that I couldn’t have him.
As time passed, I started to feel better and my sadness disappeared. Mainly because I was distracted by a new guy – a local that was showing me around Kathmandu. Normally I do not stay in a city for long – the most I will stay is a few days. Now that I’ve been in Kathmandu for over a week and a half, I have been left with a lot of downtime to ponder.
Some things that have popped up that I need to figure out and overcome are…
- Why am I so drawn to people who are so bad for me? Although I claim I hate the game and I hate players, I realize that I am 100% attracted to that. I like what I can’t have. A guy who obviously likes me and is such a sweetheart turned me off. Right when he stopped giving me attention, I started to get interested. Same thing with my guide – I was so attracted to him because he was so unattainable. Why am I like that? I have a great relationship with my dad so I am not sure where these “daddy issues” were coming from.
- Why do I procrastinate so much? I have so much time in my day yet I waste it all the time doing pointless things. I have lost motivation. I used to be a very driven, hardworking gal. I’m not sure when I stopped being so driven. Maybe it’s because I stopped taking Adderall?
- When did I become so indecisive and dependent on other people’s opinion? I wasn’t always so indecisive. At some point in my life, I stopped being confident with my decisions. Right now, I can’t make a decision on whether I should book a flight and a train or just book a more expensive direct flight. Why am I waiting for my mom to wake up to make that decision?
- Why do I attach my happiness onto so many things? When something good happens to me, I am at an all time high. But when something bad or unpleasant happens, I am at an all time low. Why do I let so many outer experiences affect my emotions so much?
Although I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions this past week, I am grateful for being so down and confused. It led me to the decision of wanting to do a Vipassana retreat to really help me breakthrough a lot of challenges I face.
Vipassana is a type of meditation that means “insight into the true nature of reality”. This “retreat” is a 10-day retreat where you do not talk for 10 days and meditate. I will go into detail about the retreat and my experience in another blog post later.
That’s it for now! I will try to post more throughout my journey and my thoughts on everything.
MEENAKSHI BARUAH says
It’s so honest and raw and beautiful!
I am glad to have come across this 🙂
I hope you are in good spirits now and have found the happiness you wished for! I feel being sad and hearing for sadness is some kind of intrinsic human yearning too! God knows I do too! I’m seem like an extremely happy person to eeveyone but deep inside im a big time sad-o-phile too :p I guess the sadness only makes the happy times happier!
More power to you! Looking forward to read more of your stuff!